Nothing really matters….
For a long time now I have been travelling the world…coming and going as I please. I have been to more places than I can remember and always I have wished to go to Brunei. This desire was sparked by a fellow nomad whom I met many years ago while passing through Aisai in Japan. We spoke for hours about the places we had been and always the conversation returned to Brunei and the wonders he had found there. This was his place of peace he told me, he would always consider that his home above any other destination in the world.
The journey that eventually placed me in Brunei is not long nor complicated…just a series of events that left me no choice but to find an alternative. I was in London visiting friends when I was told of an unfortunate state of affairs. A tracker from my old coven had made contact with Donna, a friend of Beths and was in the area. I was loathe to see any from the Kingston Coven. I left under strained circumstances and Dante the leader had vowed he would one day have me for his collection once more. Under the circumstances I thought it best to leave…a tracker mysteriously shows up on the doorstep of an acquaintance while I am in residence…too much of a coincidence for my liking.
So I made my way to the airport not knowing where I would go, only thinking of memories that should have been long forgotten but seemed still fresh in my mind. Leyton…my one and only love, the Kingstons second in charge was so close and yet I knew I could not risk seeing him. Our time together had long ago turned to dust, our memories mere glimmers of happiness amidst years of death and destruction. It was best for me to go.
The airport seemed a baron landscape filled with minor distractions, I sat for hours looking at no one, thinking perhaps just one call would be Ok, knowing in my mind that as soon as I heard his voice I would go to him, consequences be dammed. And so I sat….What seemed like an eternity was only a few shorts hours and the time came to make a decision. Where do you go when you are running from your past to avoid a horrible future? At this thought I knew….Brunei.
My journey took me to the capital, the beautiful city of Bandar Seri Begawan. My first day there I visited The Sultan Omar Ali Saifuddin Mosque which sits on the bank of the Brunei River and is reflected in the water below. It was breathtaking to see what I had dreamed of for so long. If I could cry I would have, instead I felt a quiet sorrow in my heart for what could have been and sat with my toes dipped in the water of the river. I found a hotel to stay in, quiet and out of the way drawing attention to myself only when necessary. I wished to remain invisible in this city and my mission was accomplished….or so it seemed.
My days were filled with site seeing and deep thought. I visited places that had been described in such great detail to me that it seemed as if I had already witnessed their shapes, their lines, their flowing presence. I spent a night in Kg Ayer, a collection of villages built on stilts in the Brunei River and walked the streets until dawn each morning just watching the locals go about their lives. Perhaps the most beautiful sites were the amazing mosques that would command even the most jaded persons attention. It makes you wonder how a belief in the divine can inspire humans to produce such beauty.
On my last night in Bandar Seri Begawan I was approached by a man named Daniel. I had noticed him watching me in the hotel lobby and knew him to be quiet aware of me. He asked me if I would go for a drink with him which of course I did not accept…instead I made my way out into the city one last time before my flight to Barcelona where I was to meet with Thanh. Walking along Jalan Sultan I took in all the sites and sounds finally making my way back to my room. I felt his stares as I crossed the last mile to my destination and heard him walking towards me. Turning to find him behind me was not a surprise nor was the fact that the knife he held in his hand was pointed at me.
I dragged him into the ally beside our hotel, thinking only to scare him a little but with him so close and the high walls of the buildings on either side of me I lost control. I looked at him with such pleasure as I moved towards his neck…knowing what was to come and in that moment I truly did not care. I forgot about all else and focused only on the scent of his fear and the soft whimpers coming from the back of his throat. I let him see what I am. I have been hiding for so long and to see his terror somehow made me happy. In that moment I did not feel lost.
So now I am in seclusion. I will not allow myself to be beaten again. I will conquer my demons and return to my life as usual. This is not me….I am not one of them. I will not be so weak again. I will contain myself and this will be nothing more than a distant memory. If only things were so simple…I do not wish to be exposed for the heartless criminal I am. How can I take a life when I know what it was like for mine to be taken….I suppose I was fortunate enough to get another chance but that poor soul will be forever gone from this earth.
Perhaps it is just the way of our kind….I have had many discussing throughout my ‘life’ about this very subject. The consensus seems to be that we are what we eat but is this simply an excuse I am using to justify murder? How could I have been so weak? The very thing that I have fought so hard against is now the thing that I find most attractive. Was it wrong for me to enjoy killing him? When I should have sobbed for his life even as I was taking it? Was it wrong for me to let him see what I truly am just to see the fear in his eyes? Yes….it was. But I cannot say that I will not do it again, I cannot forget the taste of his blood on my lips….so sweet, so faultless…In that moment I was perfectly at ease with my moment of weakness. Can I go back now? Can I honestly tell myself that I am cured of this desire….as cured as one of our kind can be? No. Should I stay away or should I continue with my life as planned? I am at a loss.
